


Which Bucky am I talking to?

by pompom_chan



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes's Apartment, Bucky Barnes's Notebooks, Can be read as friendship, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Could Be Canon, Gen, Hugging, Hurt/Comfort, Just best friends caring for each other, Mentions of Brooklyn, More like angsty hugging, Not quite happy hugging though, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Protective Steve Rogers, Sharing a Bed, Steve 'Don't Touch my Bucky' Rogers, mentions of Howard Stark - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 09:38:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6798664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pompom_chan/pseuds/pompom_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not the first time Steve visits Bucky's apartment. He's been there before.<br/>He's just never sure who he's gonna find in there.<br/>Or more like, he's not sure who he's gonna be for Bucky every time he gets through the door.</p><p> </p><p>(Random scenes in which Steve comes to see Bucky... Could take place between the end of TWS and the beginning of CW. Well, at least I think that would be 'Marvel canon' enough to actually take place somewhere in between. ^^)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1. Steve

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! Technically I've already written every scene I wanted to write for this fic, so I'm just gonna post all at once... But if some new idea pops up in my mind I might just add another chapter, who knows? Or if you have suggestions maybe? ^^  
> Anyway, English is not my native langage so I hope this doesn't sound too bad...  
> You probably don't want to read that if you haven't seen Civil War though.  
> If you have, enjoy! \o/

The first time Steve finds out about the apartment, he doesn't hesitate. It's been weeks now. Months, since the events in D.C. They've tracked him everywhere. Brooklyn, Russia, Germany, everywhere they could think of. And then there's this text from Natasha that finally got in touch with the Ukrainian authorities, and somehow Steve knows she's right. That's where he'll be.

He doesn't want to tell Sam, though. A part of him is scared that going to meet Bucky with some strangers is just going to freak him out. And Sam's been through enough trouble for him already. For both of them actually.

Of course, there's this other part of him that's just being selfish and reckless and deep down, he knows that if he can finally meet up with Bucky, it has to be just the two of them, face to face, no one around and nothing but the truth. He knows that it's potentially dangerous and Bucky may not even remember him at all and he definitely shouldn't go alone but, well, he doesn't care anymore. He's tired of always following the most reasonable path. And if Bucky's the irrational one, he doesn't mind stepping aside.

Then again, right now, there's nothing he wouldn't do for Bucky, really. Not after failing him so many times. He can't let him down again. Not again. Not after letting Bucky being taken away by the Nazis, and not after letting him falling down from the train and not searching for him. Not after letting him going back to Hydra, not after the helicarrier. The world would collapse upon itself that he'd still go for protecting Bucky before anything else. He's done failing Bucky when Bucky never failed him.

That's how Steve finds himself walking up the stairs of an old Romanian building and Sam thinks he's on a mission somewhere in Spain - which was true for a while, actually, he simply took a small detour and kinda lied about how many days it would take. He doesn't allow himself to think too much and before he can realize it, he's standing in front of a peeled off door that seems too easy to break down, and his knuckles have already knocked on the wood twice.

And then he's staring at the door as if he could pierce it by staring at it for too long, and he feels like his legs are shaking and oxygen can't reach his brain anymore because what if he made mistake? What if Bucky's not here? What if Hydra found him again? What if he's here but standing behind the door with a loaded sniper, and Steve is just « the mission » again? What if he's here but doesn't even recognize Steve's face and simply chooses not to answer the door?

But the door clicks open, and Bucky's here, and it's his gloved metal hand that's opening the door and not holding any gun. He stares at Steve for a moment and Steve is too afraid to move, to breath, to think, because he's too close to make yet another mistake right now.

Bucky's voice is hoarse and low when he finally speaks, as if barely remembering how to form that particular word.

« Steve ? »

When was the last time Bucky said his name? Menacing tears threaten to fall as he tries to clear his throat to answer something coherent. He never took any time to actually think about what he'd have to say.

There is fear in Bucky's clouded blue eyes, fear and apprehension, and Steve wishes he could do something - anything - to make it disappear. But Bucky doesn't trust him yet, looks like he doesn't even trust himself, and Steve can't ask him to. It's too soon, it's too scary, even for Steve - even more so for Bucky.

So the door is slammed shut before Steve can say anything, and everything feels like slipping through his fingers as Bucky runs away from him.

(Steve stays in the hallway, sitting on the floor for hours, staring at the closed door before he takes out a piece of paper and scrambles his phone number on it along with the words _I'm your friend. You don't have to run away from me._ Then he leaves as well.)


	2. 2. The man on the bridge

Steve didn't go near the apartment after that. He wasn't even sure that Bucky still lived there. He probably didn't. Steve received a text message a few days later though.

[08/27/14 02:17am] From: Unknown number -  
I'm sorry. 

The words imprinted themselves on his mind and made sure to never fade away, burning and heavy, and he had this sudden urge to throw something into a wall. Or smash the wall itself. _Don't apologize, Buck, please. You're not the one who has to._ He sent a long answer back, with carefully chosen words of reassurance and promises, but Bucky probably never received it in the end. Steve figured he'd have to change phones all the time. He probably didn't want to risk being tracked.

He did his best to forget about it, while never forgetting about it at all. As if that was possible. Sam and him had slowed down their research, Bucky was always on the move anyway. Never stayed in the same place for a very long time.

But a couple of months later, Steve received another anonymous text, from another random number. He knew it was Bucky the very second the screen of his smartphone lit up.

[11/08/14 10:32pm] From: Unknown number -  
You're Steve, right? You should probably just stop chasing after me, you know. You're not gonna like what you find. But if you're still willing to try... Perhaps there are some things we can talk about?

[11/08/14 10:45pm] To: Unknown number -  
Anytime. Where do you want to meet?

[11/08/14 10:47pm] From: Unknown number -  
Same place as last time? 

That's how Steve finds himself back in front of that poor-looking wooden door two days later, with nothing but his hesitant words and his sweaty hands, because what if it's still not the right time?

Bucky opens the door more carefully this time. There's no glove on his metal hand anymore. Only a grey sweatshirt that looks like the softest cotton on Earth, with sleeves that seem a bit too long for him. Bucky doesn't stand in front of the door, this time. He takes a step aside and his face is more than partially hidden behind his messy bangs but Steve can still read the smallest nod that allows him to step into the apartment. Bucky doesn't say anything this time, and Steve chooses not to say anything either. _Take your time_ , his eyes try to convey. _You can ask any question you want._

It takes some time, but eventually, Bucky leans against a wall as if to seek support and his gaze finally meets Steve's.

« You're the man from the helicarrier. »

It's not a question, not really. So Steve chooses not to answer anything. He only tries to search for Bucky's eyes that still seem a bit unfocused.

« I... I pulled you out of the water. I remember. » His voice is shaking a little but he obviously wants Steve to know that he doesn't mean to hurt him this time. _I'm not the Asset anymore, no one has programmed me to harm you again._ The metal hand is clenched tight against his leg, flesh hand fiddling with the too-long sleeve. « I saw you at the museum, too. » He pauses. « I saw... I saw... »

A sentence that doesn't want to be ended, apparently. « Yourself? » Steve tries, careful to measure his voice and tone. The silence that follows is almost too much to bear.

« Yeah. » Comes out as a whisper and Steve can't tell if he heard or imagined that, cause Bucky is staring at the floor and his lips are barely moving. « Can you... Talk to me about it? » It takes some time for Steve to figure out what _it_ means, for him to understand that what Bucky is asking is actually _can you tell me who I am?_ , but when he does he allows himself to smile a bit. Just a bit though. There's really not much to smile about in the end.

He takes a few steps in the apartment and sits on a stool behind the small kitchen table. Bucky follows him cautiously and sits in front of him, across the table.

« What do you want to know? »

« How did we meet? » is the answer that pops outs automatically.

Steve smiles again, but then he's not sure he should be smiling or crying here. He's not sure that talking about his best friend is something he can do right now. But Bucky is finally staring at him, wide blue eyes full of questions and fear of what he's about to learn. Bucky's unsure of being able to hear about the man he was before just as much as Steve fears it's gonna be too overwhealming for him to talk about.

« We met in elementary school, I was 8. », he starts. « You showed up and literally kicked some kids' ass cause they were trying to take my lunch money. Sounds a little cliché when you put it that way... But you never left me alone after that. »

« Doesn't sound like it bothered you too much... » Bucky tries in a faint voice.

« It didn't. » And then Steve starts talking about everything and anything that comes through his mind and he wants to cry again but he just can't stop. There's just so much he has to say and it feels like he's never ever talked so much since he got out of the ice three years ago. He wants to say, to scream how proud he is of the man Bucky was in the past, yet doesn't want Bucky to freak out about being compared with his past self. He's just as proud as Bucky today, as Bucky who escaped Hydra, as Bucky who saved him after he fell, as Bucky who's endured so much and is simply so much stronger than he could ever hope to be, serum or not.

He tells Bucky about his sisters and how much he cared for them. His mother who always welcomed Steve as one more of her children. He tells him how he cared about Steve for just as long as he can remember, how he bought him a deliriously expensive box of charcoal pencils for his birthday just saying « It's okay pal, I've been saving money for a while anyway. » even though Steve knew it was a lie and they were completely broke. There's so many memories trapped in his mind and he wished he could just give Bucky all of them.

But Bucky seems kind of lost at some point, and Steve knows it's enough for the day - but God, he has so much more to say. Must be weird, getting to know someone that used to be _you_ but you're not exactly him anymore. Steve can't imagine what that feels like. He thinks he can catch the ghost of the smile in the haziness of Bucky's eyes though, and somehow that's worth everything. One step at a time.

« I know there's not much I can offer but... You can come here anytime. » Bucky says, eyes wandering over Steve's face but not quite meeting his gaze, when Steve's standing on the hallway by the end of the evening.

Steve simple shrugs, kind smile on his lips. « 'm not asking for anything more, pal. » He pauses, sees Bucky hesitating but keeping quiet in the end. « You can call me whenever you need it, y'know? » He adds, pressing a hand to Bucky's shoulder - that tenses at first, but it doesn't last long.

One step at a time, sure. But when Bucky nods with more conviction Steve's seen in him for the past few hours, he knows today's been a big step.

(He's gonna take the steps with him, Steve thinks on the plane on his way home. He's gonna take every single step he can, forward or backwards, with him. And if he can't, well... Screw it, he'll do whatever he has to do so that he can.)


	3. 3. The mission

Of course, some days are worse than others. Some days Steve knocks on the door and no one answers. So he waits, and waits, but he knows Bucky's here cause the building manager smiled at him when he arrived - when Bucky's not here, there's no smile to be seen and he simply shakes his head.

It's happened a lot. When Steve has some free time between two missions, he does his best to fly off to Romania and visit Bucky. It's been almost a year that Steve found out about the apartment now. But of course Bucky's not always here. He has to be on the move if he doesn't want to be discovered. It's probably not his only apartment, he's gotta move from country to country. Romania seems to be his favorite though.

Still, Steve has no way to check that Bucky will be here or not when he arrives, he has no way to contact him. So he just goes, cause if there's a chance he'll take it, but yeah, sometimes he arrives and the building manager shakes his head and Steve leaves.

And sometimes Bucky's here, and he doesn't always remember him. Sometimes he remembers a lot, sometimes all he knows is that Steve's a friendly figure. But Steve talks to him and things get a little - sometimes more than a little - better. One step at a time.

Natasha knows, it's too obvious to keep it away from her now. She doesn't say anything. Sam will probably find out soon as well. And Steve blames himself for not telling him, but there's not really any point in telling him in the end.

So Steve is standing in front of the door and no one answers and Bucky's inside. He probably doesn't remember anything. It's happened before. Sometimes Bucky doesn't remember, but Steve comes in and talks his way through him and it gets better.

Sometimes Bucky doesn't remember, but Steve is reckless and he doesn't care cause it's his best friend and he's not gonna let him deal with it alone, not anymore. Like today. So Steve carefully pushes to door open - Bucky never locks that poor, thin wooden door, what's the point when the people that are after you would be able to breach a bunker? - and takes a few careful steps inside.

And then there's a hand on his throat, strong and cold, and those furious blue eyes that look greyish now, filled with rage and uncertainty. Steve doesn't say anything and he's staring at Bucky with all the gentleness he can put in one look, but the hand is squeezing and squeezing and he can't breath and « Buck, come on... » is all his strangled voice is able to let out.

He doesn't want to hurt him but he's too far gone right now and Steve knows there's nothing he can do to make it stop. So he takes hold of Bucky's metal arm and uses his knee to kick him in the ribs and sweep him off his feet, and then Bucky's on the floor, bloodshot eyes shooting at Steve and the metal fingers are already clenched in a fist again and crashing against Steve's cheekbone.

For a few minutes it's only Bucky thrashing and kicking and angry « Get out of here, leave me alone! » and « I don't care about the mission anymore, just go away! », so Steve knows it's the Winter Soldier talking to him - but not quite the machine-like Winter Soldier he met for the first time in D.C. either.

When he's too tired to keep parrying Bucky's furious assaults, it only takes him a couple of seconds to escape his hold and run outside the apartment, down the stairs and away from Bucky. He doesn't want to hurt him and that's the only way he can think of to keep them both safe.

He hates himself for leaving. For leaving him here, confused and broken, for not being able to help him. But there's nothing he can do to make sure his friend keeps his memories for himself. He can just be there and help him when Bucky wants to be helped, and back off when he wants to clear his mind.

(When Steve comes back to the US and to the Avengers HQ with bloody cheek and bruised forearms, and that desperate look in his eyes, somehow, everyone knows. No one says anything about it.)


	4. 4. Punk

And then, some days are better. Steve comes back to the apartment a couple of weeks later. He can't stand having left on a failure. So he goes and the building manager is telling him that _your friend will return soon, you can wait for him upstairs_.

He knows where Bucky hides his spare key when he leaves and gets inside, and takes a seat by the kitchen table. He waits, anxious hands playing with random stuff on the table - a pen, an empty bottle, an outdated shopping list that quickly becomes a paper plane - cause he doesn't know which Bucky he's about to meet and he's not ready to fight again. He's tired of being forced to fight his best friend.

But the door creaks about half an hour after Steve's arrived, and Bucky is entering the apartment backwards, hands full with shopping bags. He kicks the door shut with his foot and turns around and when he noticed Steve, there's barely any reaction.

« Hey. » comes as a soft greeting as Bucky steps around the table and starts putting away the things he just bought.

« Hey, Buck. » is Steve's unoriginal answer but he's too relieved to think about anything else. The way Bucky's moving around the apartment, walking past and around Steve as he gets the shopping bags empty, it feels like Steve's presence here is completely natural. Like he's gotten used to it.

There's a plastic bag full of fruits that Steve knows Bucky loves to buy from an adorable old lady at the local market - she used to live in Poland with her husband and they were in the Resistance back in the 1940s - and there's a tiny notebook lost in the middle of the blueberries. Steve takes it out of the bag, eyeing curiously at Bucky - it's unlike him to be so careless about his notebooks and just carry them in some random fruit bags.

Bucky shrugs as an answer.

A few minutes later, he adds « That's just cause I remembered something at the market and I had to write it down y'know. »

Steve nods. He's glad Bucky's doing that, seems like it's really helped him so far.

« You can read it if you want, I mean, half of the things I write in those are about you so... »

« What's the other half about ? » Steve smiles as he starts flipping the slightly crumpled pages until he finds the last one Bucky's written into.

« Hydra. » is Bucky's answer. Steve's smile falls instantly and he knows he should've thought his question twice before just asking it away. He tries to keep his eyes on the page because he can't look at Bucky right now - _it's too much it's too much it's too much._

_\- Ma' made the best blueberry pie in Brooklyn_

_- ~~Receipe is~~ Try to remember receipe_

_\- Steve nearly choked on a blueberry once (was after Ma' died and you bought him a pie for his birthday cause you suck at cooking)_

It's only when Bucky's next to him, a flesh finger following the thin line of the cut on his cheekbone that's not fully healed yet, that Steve looks up again.

« You shouldn't keep coming here. » Bucky whispers, and Steve knows they won't talk about what happened - why bother ? - but Bucky's still processing and probably blaming himself and it _wasn't you dammit_.

« I'll always come back for you Buck. » Steve answers as if it's something so absurdly normal that he shouldn't even have to voice it out loud.

« Of course you will, you're a punk. » Bucky drops his hand and takes a seat next to Steve. The blonde is searching for something witty to retort when he realizes Bucky's strugling to talk again. He has this very specific frown, Steve's noticed, when there's something he has to say but doesn't know how to say it. It was already there back in the 30's, it's even more noticeable now. « You know... Sometimes I wake up and I don't remember anything, so on the good days I take one of these... » He points at the notebook. « And I usually come across that lousy picture of you they were giving to visitors, a postcard or whatever. »

Yeah. Steve's seen this picture in one of the notebooks. Some sort of promotionnal poster from the Captain America tour back during the war.

« The thing is... That picture doesn't really mean anything to me. » Bucky continues, and it's Steve that's frowning now. « I don't really get... What you're trying to tell me here Buck. » A low chuckle escapes Bucky's throat but there's no real joy in it.

« Yeah, me neither I guess... It's just... They changed you. Haven't they ? I mean, sometimes I remember things and I'm not even sure it's true, or if I just imagined them cause you're just so different. I know you weren't always like that. » Bucky's eyes are staring at everything they can - the table, his metal joints, the blueberrys, a crack in the window across the room - so they don't have to meet Steve's, because Steve, on the other hand, is staring at him intensely enough that he could actually see through his skull.

« I just... They shouldn't have done that. You shouldn't have to carry all this. I know you... I think. I know you and I know you weren't made to be someone like Captain America, that's not who you are and somehow that's makes me angry. » There's a pause and that seems too awkward for him not to add anything. « I'm not sure why. »

Steve smiles and his hand reaches across the table to give Bucky a gentle nudge on the shoulder. « What am I supposed to be if I'm not Captain America ? »

Bucky remains silent for a while. Rethinking his answer thoroughly it seems. « I don't know... The you I remember was not Captain America and you still meant everything to me, so I guess that's not what defines you. »

Steve is staring at him again but he doesn't know why nor what to think anymore. Everything feels so blurry right now. Having Bucky back was already a lot to process ; having Bucky back and brainwashed was... Well, that's not something he wants to have to deal with ever again. But having Bucky back and saying those kind of things... It makes him wish to come back to Brooklyn and be small and freil again and he wouldn't mind being sick all the time cause Bucky would be there. That's how things have always been. That's how things should've stayed.

« Sorry, I'm talking too much for pretty much nothing. » Steve can catch a small glance and a shy, tiny smile from under Bucky's bangs, and there's this strange, familiar feeling that he completely forgot about, that makes his heart squeeze a little and pound in his ears. « It's okay man, you usually barely say anything at all. That's a nice change. »

And he means it. It's a nice change for Bucky, to be able to say what he thinks out loud now, to be able to _think_ by himself at all. And it's a nice change for Steve to see him getting better. It's a crazy thing how a five minute talk with Bucky can make him feel lighter than all those years he's spend Natasha or Tony, or those last few months with Sam. It's nothing like it. There's really something, with Bucky, no matter how much Bucky remembers him, that will always make him feel home.

(Of course, you can count on one hand the number of times Steve's come to the apartment to find Bucky in such a good shape, when he can talk and smile and feel safe around Steve, and feel safe with himself. Steve wishes it'd happen more often.)


	5. 5. Steve

Sometimes, Steve stays the night. Everytime he can spend more than one day in Romania without having and/or causing trouble, actually. If Bucky's even in the country, of course. And if he's feeling good enough to be able to stay in the same room as Steve without feeling uncomfortable - or trying to kill him. It's not like it's anything new, really. They shared an apartment after Steve's parents died and it definitely wasn't a big one. They were both in the army and God knows you can't exactly complain about sleeping arrangments there. So the first time Steve did stay the night, they didn't even have to say anything about it, they simply curled up in Bucky's bed, their backs against each other, and it didn't even feel weird.

But they never actually do sleep through the entire night. Sleep was avoiding Steve, even more so since what happened in Sokovia, and he knew it was avoiding Bucky as well. Steve had spent so many hours staring at the not quite dark room in front of him that he now knew every single angle of Bucky's furniture, every spot of scratched paint on the walls, every broken floorboard.

He knew Bucky wasn't sleeping so much either. Most of the time, he could hear the slightly rushed rhythm of his breathing that proved he wasn't relaxed enough to be resting. So they just stayed there for hours and the silence was only broken by their respective breathings or occasional whispers of memories or questions or _Thank you for being here_. It wasn't much but it was already better than staying awake on their own.

Then again, even when Bucky was actually sleeping, he wasn't exactly resting. Sometimes, Steve could hear that Bucky was falling asleep, and for a little less than an hour the apartment was really, completely silent. After that, it was just Bucky kicking the sheets - and usually Steve's legs on the process - and muttering partial sentences in Russian or German or languages Steve didn't understand. Sometimes it wasn't too bad, so Steve didn't try to wake him up - demons of the present days could actually be worse than some memories he dreamed of. When Bucky was sweating and crying and _let me go!_ and _пожалуйста_ * - that Steve recognized now, and the despair in Bucky's voice was too much for him to bear, he didn't wait and just woke him up.

It was no different that night. Somewhere around 2pm Bucky told him that he remembered the day Steve broke into that German facility in 1943. « If I hadn't paid attention to your voice I probably would've thought you were a Nazi yourself. » Bucky said, and he felt Steve's back shaking againt his own as Steve chuckled. « You were so different. »

Steve wanted to say that in the end, he wasn't so different. At least on the inside, he absolutely didn't feel any different. But Bucky cut him off and kept speaking. « And that helmet of yours was one of the most ridiculous things you've ever worn, pal. »

Steve laughed for real this time. « That's cause you never saw what they made me wear in New York three years ago. » Steve fell asleep soon after that. He rarely felt so lighthearted, knowing that Bucky was within hands reach, remembering Steve and feeling good enough to actually make fun of him.

Of course it couldn't last. Steve wakes up a few hours later - the sunlight is barely visible through the curtains, but it's close to morning - when cold feet repeatedly meet his calves under the covers. Steve grunts into his pillow and rolls carefully - it's a small bed and they are both quite large men - so he can face Bucky's back. His shoulders are trembling and his voice sounds broken as he's lost in a mantra of _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..._

Steve pushes himself up on his elbow and bends a little over him. Bucky's metal fingers are clutching the fabric of his pillow so hard it's close to ripping it off and his face is contorted in what seems to be pain and fear and sadness and panic and disgust all at once. Steve couldn't tell if he's still crying or not but his cheeks are definitely stained with tears.

Steve lies on his back for a moment and puts an arm over his eyes. Everyone seems to believe he's so righteous and all. But if he could go back in time and find the ones who did this to his best friend to make sure they suffer endlessly before they die, he would. He wouldn't mind torturing them himself right now. Too bad they're already dead.

He takes a deep breath and swallows back the tears that are already forming in the corner of his eyes, and turns back to Bucky. He doesn't understand half of what he's whispering in his sleep, but in the middle of another thousand _sorry_ he can pick up some words that sound like _home_ and _not anymore_ and _32557038_ and _Stark_ and _tired_. His own name, too.

« Buck. » He tries, a hand on Bucky's shoulder. « Bucky... Come on man, wake up. »

Bucky shifts under the covers, and _not him, not him, no_ , and Steve would give up on everything so his friend can find something that's even remotely close to peace. Except there's nothing he can do.

« Bucky. » He tries a little bit louder, pressing his fingers further into Bucky's collarbone. Bucky's eyes seem almost black as they snap open and he's gasping for air. Steve backs off a little as Bucky sits up to catch his breath, flesh hand wiping the sweat off his forehead.

« You okay? » is what Steve asks without thinking, out of habit, but obviously Bucky's not okay and he immediately blames himself for asking. Bucky takes a few more shallow breaths before bringing his legs closer to his chest and letting his head rest on one knee. His voice is definitely broken and barely audible when he whispers. « Sorry I woke you up again. »

« "Sorry you"... Buck, I don't care, you don't have to be sorry for anything. »

Steve tries to put a hand on Bucky's arm but he shrugs it away. « I... Don't. » Yeah, sure, Bucky doesn't want Steve nowhere near his metal arm right after a nightmare, when he trusts himself even less than usual.

The blonde frowns and sits up as well so he's half next to, half facing Bucky. « Wanna talk about it? » Bucky dares to take a look at Steve and his eyes are weary and red with tears. Tears that keep running down his cheeks and it breaks Steve's heart even more.

Steve puts an arm around Bucky's shoulder and he couldn't care less when Bucky tries to escape his hold. He gives up soon - he doesn't want to fight anymore - and lets his head fall in the crook of Steve's neck.

They stay like this for a moment, before Steve starts talking again. « You talked about Stark in your sleep? Did they use him against you as well? » He knows it's not pleasant. It's not pleasant for him, and it's definitely not pleasant for Bucky. But he also knows that the best way for Bucky to get better is for him to talk about all those things that keep haunting him in his sleep. The notebooks are one thing, talking to Steve face to face is another.

Bucky's voice vibrates against his own throat and he feels him shaking again. « I'm the one who killed him. » is what Steve hears at first. But it's muffled with sobs and hesitation, so Steve puts his other arm around Bucky and holds him closer. « What? » His own voice sounds husky. Bucky is shaking his head relentlessly against his neck as if saying no. Steve brings a hand under Bucky's chin and lifts it up ever so slightly, only so their eyes can meet.

« Bucky, what is it? »

More tears, more unspoken _don't make me say it_ and Bucky's furious eyes are looking everywhere but at Steve's again.

« It-... It was me, I... »

« You what? » Steve tries to keep his voice calm and low, to not sound like he's pushing him, but he's tired and confused and he doesn't know what to do.

« Howard, it was me, and he saw me, I remember him looking at me as if he... No, he did recognize me, it was-... »

« Bucky, slow down, I don't understand anything, Howard? What happened with Howard? »

And then Bucky finally meets his eye, but there's nothing in them that Steve ever wished to see. « I'm the one who killed him. »

Steve is silent after that. He stares at his best friend trying to figure out a way to process this information but there's no way to process that, right? Bucky's watching out for his reactions, all clenched jaw and blurry eyes, but Steve's blank face is too much and he drops his head down again, his throat so tight he can barely breathe.

Steve doesn't know what to say. So he doesn't say anything, he simply clings more desperately to Bucky and hides in his messy chocolate hair that's even more knotted after him relentlessly moving under the covers.

« I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Steve, I'm sorry... » Bucky whispers, and Steve can feel him breathing shakily against his chest. He tries to rub a hand up and down Bucky's back but he's trembling as well, and they probably look like a mess of quivering, tangled limbs, Bucky curled up in Steve's arms and clutching to his shirt. It takes a while for both of them to calm down - for Steve to be a little less shocked and unresponsive, and for Bucky to stop crying and apologizing.

« He recognized me. » Bucky's voice is nothing more than a tired whisper and he feels completely limp by now. « Before I killed him, he said "Sergeant Barnes". He looked at me and I didn't even look at him. I just... » The details he can't even voice out loud. « His wife too. I didn't look at them and then they were dead. »

« Buck. » Steve puts a little more space between the two of them - as small as he can - and presses their foreheads together, hands coming up behind Bucky's neck. His eyes are dry by now, much more grey than blue. « You didn't... »

« Don't go "you didn't do it" on me, I know I did. I know I can't change that. I know the last thing he saw before he died was that the man who came to take him down was someone supposedly dead for a long time. Someone who was supposed to be a friend, Steve, how do you think that made him feel? »

Steve shakes his head, closes his eyes. He doesn't want to know. He absolutely doesn't want to know what Howard felt at this very moment. He just wants Bucky to be okay, but Bucky's not okay, and neither is he, and everything is messed up, and all of this is making him sick, and he doesn't know if the human race is worth all those fights sometimes.

« We can't change that. » is the only answer Steve can come up with. Because in the end, it's the only truth. Well, not the _only/ _/ truth. « I promise you I'll do everything I can so it never happens again. »__

Steve lifts his head up a little so he can press a light kiss to Bucky's forehead, before he drags Bucky with him as he lays back down on the mattress. « You're not hurting anyone and no one's hurting you on my watch. »

The more they speak and the more their whispers fade away ; Bucky doesn't answer anything after that, he only nods so imperceptibly that Steve doesn't know if he actually heard him.

Exhaustion takes over them and they fall asleep like that, with Bucky's unsteady frame hiding against Steve so much he actually seems small, and Steve has one hand lost in his hair, the other drawing small circles between his shoulderblades. Well, Steve doesn't fall asleep immediately. He waits for Bucky to do so, and only then can he let go of all the tears he'd been holding back. _It's over now_ , he keeps repeating himself. _It's over now and you're not letting him go, not now, not ever. Someone tries to get control of his mind again, they'll have to deal with you first._

(Steve wished every night wouldn't be like this one. They aren't, actually. Hearing about Howard was the worst. But when it's not Howard it's someone else, a politician, a scientist who knows too much, a child that's seen too much. And when it's not someone that Bucky's murdered, it's just more memories of unethical experiments and pain and the feeling of his mind sleeping through his fingers. Steve can only be there and wait for him to get better - assuming that's possible - and hold his hand while they hope for better days, the good days when they can just remember Brooklyn and the reckless kids they were, when Steve was a skinny punk who got sick all the time and it was war and they had no money and everything was perfect.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *пожалуйста means "please"
> 
> So sorry about that... Guess it's not exactly a happy ending - or a real ending at all, but you know...  
> Then again, I can't exactly come up with anything close to happy when I think about Bucky Barnes.  
> And Civil War clearly didn't help with that. T.T
> 
> Also, that's kind of my headcanon as to why Steve answered "yes" when Tony asked him if he knew that Bucky killed his parents... I mean, how else could he have known?
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading! :3


End file.
